Finding What Was Lost
“There I am in younger days, stargazing. Painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be.”
-Indigo Girls
The other day while listening to the Indigo Girls, and trying a new recipe, I realized this quote is representative of so many of us. As youngsters, if we’re lucky, we dream big. Some of us dream of fame and fortune and a romance worthy of the silver screen. Others dream of escape from the restrictive clutches of parents, school, society’s expectations and limits. Whatever we dream of, life usually takes us down unexpected paths and we are left wondering “Well, now what the fuck do I do?”
I found myself at this point in 2021 shortly after my mom passed from Lewy Body Dementia and Parkinson’s Disease. Eight years of my life were spent wrapped up in her care, while also raising a pre-teen boy and trying to maintain connection with my spouse, not only as co-parent, but as romantic partner, emotional support, and best friend. Throw in a world wide shut down due to a pandemic and I was about to (or maybe I did), lose my ever loving mind. My identity went from fun, loving, and strong woman to someone I didn’t recognize. A hermit. A grouch. Someone who, when the day was done just wanted to be left alone. Not a good look for a therapist, mom, spouse, daughter, friend, and so far from how the life in the dreams of my youth would turn out. Yikes.
I write this not to tell the world how horrible my life was, but to share that many of us, though not in the same boat, are in the same storm. I had no idea how to keep my boat afloat as it were. My mom’s passing left a hole not only in my life but in my heart. What the hell was I supposed to do with all this extra time on my hands? Does this mean I really have to “adult” without my mom now? Where would I turn to know how to make gravy? Or who would I call to ask when was the best season to trim my hydrangeas? I was adrift in a sea of bitterness, confusion, profound grief. What would I do without an anchor to reclaim myself and my life? Then I started therapy to see if I could reset my sails. Finding the right therapist was the best thing I could have done for me and my family.
Soon, I realized that in my pain, sadness, and difficulty adjusting, I had isolated from everyone, including myself. I needed my community back. I needed myself back. Connection was the key. Connection is ALWAYS the key to a meaningful life. Reconnecting with my authentic self allowed me to become the parent I always wanted to be, the spouse I wanted and needed to be, and allowed me to reach out to those who knew me back when, and knew my mom best to give me the advice she’s not here to give. I found joy in connecting with myself. In finding the power in my authenticity, I find so much fulfillment in the day to day, in my career, in doing what I like, in not hiding. In speaking my mind, and getting my needs met. My life has certainly turned out way differently than those grandiose dreams of old. Not better. Not worse. Just different. And I love it.