Naming the Invisible Load
These days we are all so busy doing and being “all the things:” partner, perfect (ha!) parent, caretaker, housecleaner, cook, employee/entrepreneur, student, etc. Life can be stressful, overwhelming, and downright exhausting. Just when you think you are caught up- BAM! Your daughter has a presentation due at school tomorrow and needs to run to the store for supplies. At 10:00PM. Grrr. Its no wonder you don’t pack your car full of your favorite snacks, turn up the volume of your playlist and run the fuck away. At least for a day or two. Some of us can do that, sure. But not all of us have that luxury. So we soldier on, in the midst of our anxiety, malaise, fatigue, and feelings of isolation.
All of the above things are part of our stress load, much of it invisible. Just think of the things you do in one day that no one sees:
Mental to-do lists that are unending: remembering to pick up Dad’s prescription and filling up his pill box; wondering if your teenager’s sudden quietness means something more serious; keeping track of birthdays, appointments, and who needs new shoes. You may be thinking “I’m the one who knows what everyone else needs- even when no one asks what I need.” Emotional Monitoring and Managing: smoothing over tension between siblings, or between your partner and parent; trying to maintain a positive mood so no one has to experience discomfort; quietly shouldering the emotional weight of family stress, grief, or dysfunction. Your thoughts are “If I can’t hold it together no one will. Everyone depends on me.”
Anticipating all the needs, all the time: Making sure everyone has eaten or at least has a meal ready for them to reheat if you work late; calling your folks to check in to make sure they don’t feel forgotten; checking in on kid’s school assignments so they are not falling behind. If you don’t see an oncoming train no one else will. And then you all get run over.
Identity Juggling: you are not only the go-to at home but also at work; in the course of a day you shift between caregiver, fixer, professional, friend, daughter, partner, etc; and you wonder if there is space anywhere for you to just be yourself, if you even know who that is anymore. This one can be particularly devastating. In losing a relationship with yourself, you lose authentic connection with everyone. You can’t say no, or set limits for your own well being. You have doubts that you deserve better, or believe that asking for help is burdensome to others.
Carrying guilt and self doubt quietly: you love your family beyond belief but sometimes feel resentful about all the demands on your time and mental energy, and that resentment in turn causes guilt; you can feel exhausted, yet you have to put on a smile and keep on keeping on; you worry about asking for help- why can’t you do it all? It seems like so many other women can, and look great doing it too!; you may feel like you are not doing enough for everyone. You feel guilty for wanting to take a break.
Soooo, now what?? Well, we know that going full on Thelma and Louise is not a great option (bad, bad consequences) there are some things you can do to help you manage your own invisible load. While you still have responsibilities, you can start to shift how you carry this invisible load, and make some space for yourself in the process. Here are some tips:
Start saying it out loud: Putting a name to your invisible labor is a powerful first step: Let your partner know what you are feeling. Let them know that you have been silent about much of what you are dealing with. Share your mental load with a friend or therapist: Allow yourself to be seen AND heard. Your feelings are valid, and naming the previously unspoken takes away some of its weight. There is no shame in needing to take up space.
Practice boundary setting: Boundaries aren’t about controlling others, they are about allowing you to decide what you can handle, in terms of your own energy and from others. For example, don’t check work emails during dinner time with family or after a certain time in the evening; working on saying “no.” You can start small, telling people “Let me get back to you on that.” And this one, this is a hard one especially for those perfectionists. Take a deep breath, let it out. Allow a ball to drop on purpose, and notice that the world does not end. Sit with that.
Hand off some responsibilities: Allow your teen to pack their own lunch- don’t worry if it is not as healthy as you would like. You may be surprised at how they step up. Delegate household chores- think of your family as a team and each person has a position to play to keep the team moving forward. Ask siblings to take over some caregiving duties.
Reclaim something small that is all yours: It doesn’t have to be big. It can be coffee alone on the porch; a book at lunch; a playlist that makes you feel human again, not like a chore robot, or my personal favorite, take a walk by yourself. No music. No podcast. Just hearing the sounds and getting some fresh air and light exercise. Connect with how you feel.
Get support: Choose spaces where you don’t have to explain everything, whether that is a therapist who can hold space for you, a woman’s group where you can just show up and not be productive; a workbook, journal, or podcast that speaks to you.
Just remember, you do not have to abandon anyone to feel like yourself again. You are allowed your own identity, even in the midst of caregiving, partnership, and change. The invisible load becomes lighter when it’s shared, spoken, and seen.